the primary relationship between me and God is Father and child.
i am in one of if not the most fragile seasons of my life.
i’m used to fixing things.
staying in control
maintaining my own image of success
being well loved
not showing any weakness
and honestly wearing my success like a badge of honor that will somehow qualify me to be in every room, position, or title that i truthfully feel like a fraud in.
this season of life has stripped me. down to my very real, naked, and raw self.
i feel like a failure in the ministry i’ve started and have been fighting for purpose in everything I do.
i have fought hard to not have the title of working full time for an organization because i want to be perceived as my own boss. so i’ve hid behind way too many responsibilities and part time positions that have only left me spread thin and failing those around me.
and i’m nowhere close to where i hoped i would be by now in life.
in light of this, i’ve made the choice to cut out so much. to let go. to try to start fresh and surrender it back to God.
the thing is, without all of the task to keep me busy, or people who i feel depend on me, i find myself feeling a bit lost.
who am i without the things that keep me busy to make other people happy and help them love me? will they love me? can they love me? who am i without all the work?
as i turn to God i want answers
i want direction—i want a next step so i can feel accomplishment and hope and purpose
He on the other hand wants to remind me of what i’ve somehow lost on my journey to please Him.
He is my father. i am His daughter
i’ve known this my whole life but really struggle with how to live it. i’m trying to learn even now as i type these words. Who is God as a father? what does He look like? what does a daughter even look like? how am i supposed to live like one?
why does it sound too easy.
like it’s not enough
why do i feel like i’m ‘just a daughter’ as if that’s a demotion in life with that title?
as i’ve wrestled with these questions i’ve began to realize that so much of what i ‘do’ and what i’ve tried to ‘be’ has had very little with my relationship and identity in Christ. my intention was to please Him and live for Him, but somewhere along the way, I began to please and live for other people and not for Him at all. I began to do more for Him than my relationship with Him could sustain.
I can feel Him calling me back to myself, back to who He created me to be. I can hear Him tell me that I’ll really find Him as I return back ‘home’ in my heart.
so i’m coming home.
it’s a very difficult homecoming.
i have more questions than i do direction. There is so much happening. All at once and not at all.
i feel more confusion than i do understanding. I have been fighting just to hear His voice in it all, which has been the best part because through it all, when i finally get quiet and listen, i feel this gentle call and open arms of a Father.
My Father. He’s my Father and I am His daughter.
and the exhale begins all over again.